The stories are based on the following pictures.
SHARKS!
It was a hot and humid Sunday. Danielle and her
friends, Jane, Brian and Jack, were very thrilled for they were going on a day
trip to a deserted island. The boys rowed the boat. Suddenly, Danielle pointed
excitedly. ‘Look!’ she cried. The island! The grass was green, the sand was
white, everything was perfect! The children had also packed a picnic basket
containing food and beverages.
Upon reaching the island, they dived into the
glittering sapphire sea. They played with a ball while frolicking in the vast
open sea. After a while, they got out of the water and dried themselves with
towels. They chatted like there was no tomorrow while eating their lunch
heartily. Brian got bored and stared out at the sea. What are those triangular
objects? Brian thought. On closer inspection, he realized that they were sharks
and they were already gathering around the island!
Brian immediately alerted the others. Their faces
turned pale and the girls hugged each other tightly. None of them dared to make
a sound. They knew they were stranded on the island. Danielle whispered softly,
‘Let’s start a fire.’ They boys collected firewood while the girls kept
watching for passing boats. The boys came back a few minutes later. Jack, using
the matchsticks he had prepared, lit up a fire. The smoke billowed up to the
sky and alerted a team of coast guards. In the meantime, the children prayed
silently. They knew they might not survive.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, help at
last arrived. The coast guards came and chased the sharks away before they sent
the children back to the mainland. The coast guards chided the children for not
having adult supervision. They also asked, ‘Did you know this island is known
as Shark Island?’ The children shook their heads. The coast guards told them
they were lucky that they were on duty or they would never make it. The
children thanked the guards profusely. This harrowing incident would be etched
on their minds for a long time.
Anna Kong (P4)
Marymount Convent
The strength of this story is that it employs the show, not tell technique. The writer, Anna, employs the use of dialogue and thoughts to show us the feelings and thoughts of the characters. She also inserts many detailed descriptions so that that we could practically visualise the story in our head, like watching a movie.
JAWS
It was a sweltering day. Jack called his friend to
Changi Beach. Jack had rented a wooden boat. He asked his friends, Xavier, Jane
and Mary, to board the boat. Jane and Mary would row the boat while Jack would
tell them which direction to go. It turned out that Jack wanted to show them
Jack’s Paradise. It was a small island that Jack had found on a kayaking trip.
Soon the children reached the island. They pulled the
boat up the beach and Xavier ran to grab a long and sturdy branch. He poked it
into the white, sparkling sand. Jack had a rope that he used to tie the boat to
the branch. Jack told everyone to disembark from the wooden boat. Jack took out
his ball and suggested that everyone play water volleyball. Jane and Mary
objected and decided to swim around. Although not everyone was playing, everyone
was happy. Jane and Mary swam in the shallow waters while Jack and Xavier
played water volleyball.
After an hour, everyone sat down for lunch. They
grabbed the sandwiches and beverages they had prepared. They chatted and joked
around. They were enjoying themselves so much that they did not notice the fins
coming near the island. When they finally noticed the triangular objects in the
water, they thought they were the fins of dolphins. But Jack knew they were
sharks. Jack told everyone they were trapped on Jack’s Paradise. Jane was so
angry that she renamed Jack’s Paradise as Jack’s Hell. A ship passed by.
Everyone yelled, ‘Help!’ However, it was no use as the ship travelled further
and further until it disappeared into the distance.
After what seemed to be an eternity, the children
spotted another ship approaching the island. It was the coast guards! It turned
out that the passing ship had seen the children and reported the case to the
coast guards. The coast guards chased away the sharks and took the children to
Changi Naval Base. The children’s parents were very worried. Jack thanked the
coast guards commander profusely. He had learnt from this incident that plans
would sometimes backfire and that he should have been more careful when
planning adventures.
Remy Lew (P4)
Catholic High
Like Anna, Remy uses the show, not tell technique. He also uses speech (direct and indirect). What especially stands out for me is his meticulous attention to details (the description of how Xavier tethered the boat on the beach) and humour (Jack's Paradise turned into Jack's Hell :D).
Yes, the first and foremost rule in writing is that the writer needs to show, not tell. This makes the story vivid and interesting. And to show, not tell, the writer just has to make sure that the following ingredients are present in the story:
1. use of dialogue (but do not overdo this; limit yourself to three segments of dialogue per A4 page);
2. give lots of detailed descriptions, the more specific the better;
3. use the active voice.
Now try to practise the following steps in your next story. Your story will come alive.
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