Anyway, my point is that the pupil below, Cherilyn, having managed to attain 32 marks for her effort in the Advanced Composition class of Semester 1 Week 11, has handed in one of the best pieces for a story that is based on the model discussed in class.
The strength of her essay lies in the vivid fight scene that she described. The plot flows and the language used is excellent - apt and practically error-free. The details inserted by Cherilyn are highlighted in blue. I've copied her work word-for-word and if there are any mistakes, I've corrected it in red.
'Your Money Or Your Life?'
It was a cold windy night. Tom had worked overtime and was taking the MRT Mass Rapid Transit (MRT) home at a late hour. He alighted at Yishun MRT Station. As the chilly wind picked up and lightning flashed, Tom pulled his jacket around himself and hugged himself tightly. He quickened his pace to avoid the imminent downpour. As he hurried home, he thought of having a cup of warm Milo - the perfect way to unwind after a long day at work. In order to reach home faster, Tom decided to take a short cut.
As he entered a deserted alley, he suddenly heard footsteps behind him. They were echoing close behind. A shiver ran down his spine when Tom realised he was all alone in this isolated place. Cold sweat beaded his forehead as various frightening scenarios bombarded his mind. How he regretted working late! He wished he could turn back time but it was to no avail. Secretly, without turning his head, he tried to look out of the corner of his eye.
Horror descended on Tom like a shroud when he saw a dark shadow on the wall. In the inky darkness, he could barely make out the distorted shadow that resembled the silhouette of a demon from hell. He turned waxen and icy fear raced through his blood. He was at a loss about about what to do.
Bracing himself, Tom took a second glance. To his pleasant surprise, when he took a closer look, the mysterious attacker turned out to be the shadow of an ant trapped in a spiderweb, or so Tom thought. Tom heaved a sigh of relief and laughed at how silly he had been. He saw the poor ant struggling in a valiant but useless attempt to escape its fate.
Seeing that there was nothing he could do to save the helpless insect, Tom suppressed his sympathy and turned to leave. He was about to continue his journey home when he felt a cold prick on his neck. A gruff voice ordered him to surrender his possessions. Tom's blood turned cold. So there was someone following him after all! Poor Tom, his worst fear was confirmed but there was no way out. He was like the ant - poor pitiful, trapped, helpless.
Tom was in a dilemma. Should he give up his valuables or fight back? After weighing his options, he decided to muster his courage. Immediately, he launched into the offensive. He whirred whirled around and lashed out his fist blindly. A sharp pain flared up in his hand as his fist came into contact with the attacker's face. There was no time to think about his throbbing hand. Tom kicked the attacker in his shin with as much force as he could muster. The attacker yelped in pain.
Without hesitation, Tom grabbed the attacker's collar and barrelled his head upwards, smashing the attacker's chin with shattering force. Ignoring the attacker's wails, Tom pinned him down roughly and dialled for the police.
Soon, sirens the wails of a siren filled the air. A police car stopped at the scene and a couple of policemen alighted and sprang into action. They handcuffed the attacker and after taking down Tom's statements, the law enforcers pushed the attacker into the police car and drove off.
Tom continued his way home way, whistling a happy tune as he walked. He was glad he had helped to maintain justice and escaped the ant's fate but he vowed never to take short cuts again.
Cherilyn Lee (P6)
Chongfu Primary School
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