A Composition A Week

This is a new category.


Each week, we'll publish a composition written by one of our pupils.


The reasons for doing this are three-fold.


Firstly, we hope that this chance to publish would serve as added incentive and inspire the pupils to write more creative stories, for typically, only the better pieces get published.


Secondly, this would be a model composition for our pupils.


Last but not least, the published compositions would also be a resource to parents, who are seeking to teach composition-writing to their own children at home.


The child's work is in black while any corrections is in red. Please note that minor changes would be in black too because if we were to highlight every mistake, the resulting composition would be too messy to be read.


This week's composition is for Primary 5 and 6 pupils and based on a single picture:

DOG IN THE PARK

I sniffed. Fresh air at last! It was a relief to be away from the toxic fumes on the road. I barked happily and leapt all around my owner., who had taken me to the park near our home for my daily walk.

After sniffing for a while, I smelled a cat. Scanning my surrounding, I spotted the feline some distance away. Growling with determination to catch the cat, I leapt away from my owner and ran as fast as my legs could carry me to the scrawny cat.

However, after running for a distance, I spied saw two pairs of legs in front of me. Looking up, I saw two boys. One was holding a stick and snickering. Feeling threatened, I lunged forward and bit the stick held by the boy. Alarmed, the boy flung swung the stick with all his might and flung me onto the rough pavement.

I yelped in pain as I tried to stand up and flee. I had broken my bone.-A sharp pain exploded in my front leg. The boy told his partner beside him, “Get it!” To my horror, the youngsters started attacking me. One was using a stick to hit me while the other pulled me across the rough pavement.by my tail to prevent me from escaping.

“Hey! Put it down now!” Turning my head I saw my superhero – my master. Cowardly, tThe cowardly boys fled for their lives at once. My master came up to me, carried me and brought me to the animal hospital.

There the nurses treated my wounds and placed my right front limb in a cast, as it was broken. From this experience, I experienced learnt of my master’s true care and love for me. He visited the hospital daily to take care of me. From that day onwards, I would never dare to leave my master’s side whenever we were out for walks.

Grace Song (St Margaret’s Primary School)

Primary 6

PROS

Grace started the composition with the narrator sniffing. This is very apt because the narrator being a dog, the sense of smell is very important to it. This gives the narrator a truer 'voice'.

I also like how she adds in the dog chasing the cat, an action many dogs do. Very realistic.

Using the perspective of the dog to narrate the story gives the composition a more unique slant which would ensure it scores higher in terms of content.



CONS

Certain terms could be used more accurately or correctly (see amendments).

In the original composition, the dog declared that it had broken its leg. Whether the narrator is a human or an animal, he would be unlikely to know if he had broken a leg (not unless there is an audible crack) because most of us are not trained doctors. Hence, it would have been more realistic to just describe the pain and the cause of the pain should only be revealed when we see a doctor.

The last paragraph also gives me some concern because it talks about an animal hospital and nurses putting the dog's leg in a cast. I'm not sure if there are animal hospitals in Singapore and if there are, if such hospitals actually have wards for their non-human patients. Likewise I'm not sure if the nurses are trained to put animals' broken limbs in casts or it would be the veterinarians who do it. But because I'm not sure, I have left the paragraph largely as it is. To be safe, though, it could have been rewritten in this manner:

There, the nurses treated my wounds before the vet placed my broken limb in a cast. After that, I went home with my master. From this experience, I learnt that my master truly loved and cared for me. He took care of me and my needs with great affection and caution during my recovery period. I am grateful for such a devoted master and in return, I also promise to myself that I would never let him down. I would guard his house, his possessions and his family with my own life.



We welcome any feedback or query from pupils or parents after you have read the composition.